MichDads Blog

Category: Role models

Teaching good sportsmanship starts at home

One of my favorite things about autumn is football. I love the game with a passion that might be more than it should be at my age, but then again I suppose that depends on who's setting the bar.

A few friends got together this past Saturday to cheer on our favorite college teams (Go Blue!), but when a commercial about sportsmanship aired I was left with some reservations about the traditional trash talking that had begun. The commercial starts out with a group of kids coming together to play a game, but before they take the field each of them give commentary of their dad's comments during a recent football game. Each child exclaims how their dad, for example, says the refs are "stupid" and "blind." One notes his dad believes they must be getting paid off to make such bonehead calls.

There have been games that have left me with similar conclusions but as the commercial then asks, if you're making such statements what are you teaching your children? The answer is driven home when the kids agree they want to grow up to be just like their dads, then start their game with comments like "OK, let's go losers, let's play chumps."

I'm careful about the words I use around my son but I thought this commercial was an important and powerful illustration of how teaching our children good sportsmanship starts with us modeling it when we are in the heat of battle, even if it is only from the stands or watching on a big screen TV.

Some other thoughts in teaching good sportsmanship:

• Don't always let your child win. It's tempting, particularly when they're young, but it has to be balanced. Otherwise, we teach our children to expect positive outcomes in every competition they engage in which is unrealistic and fails to teach them how to manage adversity.
• Don't place too much emphasis on wining or losing. Particularly when you are teaching your child about the mechanics of a particular sport, prioritize having fun. If he or she has fun, they are more likely to want to continue and learn more about the game and their desire to compete in it will take care of itself.
• In any game your child plays, teach him to respect officials, teammates and opponents and save his complaints for private conversations after the game. Obviously, this sort of teaching can only occur if we demonstrate the same sort of behavior.
• Remember this is your child's experience. Remind your children, and yourself, too, if necessary, that they're playing a sport for their enjoyment and growth, not so we can try and recapture our own.
• Teach your children to lose and win with equal levels of class. Teach them, for example, not to retaliate for foul play or trash talk; just play as they've been taught and give it all they have so they're not left questioning their efforts. And at the end of the competition, to shake their opponent's hand because after all, it's only a game.

Category: Role models

How far would you go to save your family?

I wanted to share a recent story about a Maryland father named James Spruell whose smart thinking saved his whole family.

While I never hope to go through any ordeal similar to what James and his family did, I hope I have the courage to protect my family the way he did. I'm sure some paternal instinct would kick in, but I just hope I have some sort of "inner-Batman" that would surface if the situation mandated it.

Category: Role models

Share Earth and work with kids

Sitting around the dinner table last evening, we took the chance to look back on the last week and look ahead to the plans for the week ahead. That's something we try to do every Sunday evening.

Looking back, we talked about Earth Day, which had prompted some discussions in our family about what things we can do to make a difference for our environment. Though the purpose of focusing attention on the issue for one day was clear enough even to our children, even they pointed out that it's real silly to make a big fuss for one day, then just go back to the way you normally do things. Their classes in school (fifth and third grades) either didn't mention it at all or did a brief craft related to the "green" theme. It is the perfect kind of topic to bring up with our kids, because the habits that need to change start very early, and they don't change with just one day a year of reflection.

Two days later last week was Take Your Child to Work Day, another annual tradition that is a wonderful learning moment between kids and parents. Our youngest went to work with my wife, who is working a long-term substitute teaching job with kindergartners. She had fun and learned that it can be boring sometimes. We talked about careers and interests a lot that night.

Both of these events are perfect examples of the kinds of things we can and should be exposing our children to on a regular basis. We talk about making good decisions for the environment all the time in our house, and both of our children have been to where we work on many occasions. The planet's health, for better or worse, will be theirs to grapple with very soon and our workplaces are a huge part of our world. They need to see the desk we sit at (with their pictures on them) and meet the people we talk about to have a more complete picture of what our days are like and who we are away from home.

I'm all for these two rites of spring, but I'm even more for the idea that they bring up opportunities to communicate with our kids about big, important things as they grow. I believe we need to have those discussions often, because they grasp more with each passing year. At least it's something to start a conversation with other than, "How was school today?".

Category: Role models

Good parenting requires time, love

I'm struck at how busy our lives have become. It's certainly a different world in parenting than the one I was born in some 50 years ago. Both of my parents worked, something that is common today but bordered on rare back in the '50s and '60s. Furthermore, my mom had a business - a beauty salon that took a lot of her time but somehow both of my parents found a way to parent.

I'm not sure the challenges of finding the time and energy our children need from us is really any different from what our parents faced. It does feel like life has become busier and more demanding, on a number of fronts, but we also have so many more ways to keep in touch and stay connected to our children and stay tuned in to the day-to-day challenges they're facing in their own busy lives. There are a ton of resource guides and opinions in what "good parenting" looks like these days. I came across one at familydoctor.org that I thought was a basic, well-done little guide so I thought I would share it here:

How can I be a good parent?

There's not just one right way to raise children. And there's no such thing as a perfect parent - or a perfect child. But here are some guidelines to help your children grow up healthy and happy:

"Show your love. Every day, tell your children: 'I love you. You're special to me.' Give lots of hugs and kisses.

"Listen when your children talk. Listening to your children tells them that you think they're important and that you're interested in what they have to say.

"Make your children feel safe. Comfort them when they're scared. Show them you've taken steps to protect them.

"Provide order in their lives. Keep a regular schedule of meals, naps and bedtimes. If you have to change the schedule, tell them about the changes ahead of time.

"Praise your children. When your children learn something new or behave well, tell them you're proud of them.

"Criticize the behavior, not the child. When your child makes a mistake, don't say, 'You were bad.' Instead, explain what the child did wrong. For example, say: 'Running into the street without looking isn't safe.' Then tell the child what to do instead: 'First, look both ways for cars.'

"Be consistent. Your rules don't have to be the same ones other parents have, but they do need to be clear and consistent. (Consistent means the rules are the same all the time.) If two parents are raising a child, both need to use the same rules. Also, make sure baby sitters and relatives know, and follow, your family rules.

"Spend time with your children. Do things together, like reading, walking, playing and cleaning house. What children want most is your attention. Bad behavior is usually their way of getting your attention."

Wow, looking at this list, I don't see any real differences from yesteryears' philosophies in parenting. Maybe some of what our parents and grandparents prescribed to was right.

Category: Role models

Dreams of his father

I just read an interesting piece about Sen. Barack Obama, speculating as to why he wrote a book lionizing his father despite the fact that the man abandoned Obama and his mother and never made any subsequent attempt to be part of their lives. In fact, according to this account, "Dreams of My Father" (I have not read the book) tells how Obama only met his father once after the abandonment, when Obama traveled to Africa when he was 10. Yet Obama characterizes his father as a great man and goes out of his way to excuse his many lapses.

Does this tell us anything about the senator (himself a family man) or about how men in general view their fathers even when they are objectively poor parents?

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Category: Role models

Should we tell children the whole truth about athletes?

Because of the recent incidents with Falcons quarterback Michael Vick and wrestler Chris Benoit, I've had more talks with my nine-year-old son about role models and athletes in general.

When the Benoit story first broke, my son only knew that Benoit was dead, not that it was an apparent murder-suicide. My wife and I decided not to tell all the details, then we told him as much as we could (without the graphic details). Still, to him, it was more the loss of a favorite athlete than a tragedy and Benoit being a "bad" person who committed a crime.

Now that Vick's story is still unfolding, there's another dilemma about whether to go into the manner in which the dogs were allegedly euthanized and the cruelty that inherently goes with dog fighting.

This is the same kid who never believed in the mythical characters such as Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, so there's no threat of destroying his hero-worship of "idols" such as these two athletes. It's certainly more important that he understand that athletes make mistakes just like anyone else and that there are "good" and "bad" people that he admires -- it just takes time for those things to come to light sometimes.

Category: Role models

Seven secrets that can benefit fathers

More than nine years ago when I first started working with fathers, I came across Dr. Kenneth Canfield, president of the National Center for Fathering, who surveyed more than 5,000 U.S. fathers of all races and ethnic backgrounds to ascertain what behaviors they engaged in that helped them to be effective and responsible fathers. He interviewed them, their spouses/partners, their children, co-workers, friends, neighbors and other folks who interacted with these fathers and he came to the conclusion that effective fathers have seven "secrets" in common. Nine 1/2 years later I still believe in and share these seven secrets:

1. Effective fathers are committed to their children: Commitment is measured in time. The amount of time a father spends actually doing things with his children is a good measurement as to whether or not he is committed to them. Commitment also means a father constantly tells his children he is committed to them as well as engages in behaviors that correlate to this telling. He purposely sets aside time to do stuff with his kids. He takes them places. He plays with them. He takes time to meet their teachers and goes to their schools. In a 2003 nationwide survey of children, when they were asked what was the most important thing their father could give to them, the majority of these sons and daughters said "time!"

A simple formula I often use when I'm trying to get fathers to understand what commitment really means is to have them take the 168 hours that constitute a week, subtract the amount of time they spend working, sleeping and doing other social things. Then with whatever amount of time is left over, subtract from that the amount of time they actually spend time doing specific things with their children. At the end of this simple exercise most fathers have a clearer understanding of what "commitment" means.

2. Effective fathers know their children: Knowing means that a father truly knows all there is to know about his child. You know what stage of child development they're in as well as what behaviors on your part support and affirm their development. You know their hopes, dreams and aspirations. You know their favorite colors, foods, music and when they first crawled and walked. You know their friends and the parents of their friends. You know their most embarrassing moment as well as what they're most proud of. You know their strengths as well as their weaknesses. You know all!

3. Effective fathers provide and protect their children: Good dads are financially responsible and provide for their children's and family's financial needs. Additionally, they provide for their children's and family's emotional, physical, mental and spiritual needs. They protect their children and families from anything that can harm them. They protect their sons from engagement in juvenile delinquency, criminal behavior and from harm from others. They protect their families from negative intrusions into their communities and neighborhoods. They protect their daughters from boys and men who might prey on them, disrespect them, abuse them. They provide for and protect the very foundations of their families.

4. Effective fathers are consistent in attitudes and behaviors : Good dads not only "talk the talk" but also "walk the walk." Their attitudes correlate to and manifest themselves in the behaviors they engage in as related to these attitudes. If their attitudes about families are that they should be strong, stable and loving, then their behaviors have to consistently communicate this strength, stability and love. Their attitudes about morals, values, love, sexuality, race, children, gender, culture, women, fatherhood, etc., have to be manifested in specific behaviors and not just empty talk.

5. Effective fathers love and/or respects the mothers of their children: Even if a father no longer lives in the same household or is no longer in a relationship with the mother of his children, he should show respect toward them. The first place children learn about relationship development is by watching how mothers and fathers interact and communicate with each other. By showing love and respect to the children's mother, a father is role modeling and teaching his children how they should behave in relationships. Boys learn how to relate to women by watching and mimicking the ways in which dad relates to mom. Girls learn how they should be treated and what to expect from men and mates by observing how dad reacts to and treats mom

6. Effective fathers actively listen to their children: When a child has something to communicate to his father, fathers need to actively listen to the child. Active listening is, in reality, a self-fulfilling prophecy: the more a father actively listens to his children the more children will come to their fathers to communicate what's on their mind. Active listening also means asking the child questions -- about their day, their needs, their desires, their concerns, their struggles â€" their everything! Active listening also means a father shares his experiences with his children as a way to help them deal with similar experiences they may occur in the child's life. Fathers need to set aside time each day to engage in active listening with their children

7. Effective fathers spiritually guide their children: Issues pertaining to religion, God, morals, values, equality, etc., are, in a sense, issues related to spirituality. Fathers need to set aside time to speak to their children about issues related to spirituality. They need to role model and engage in behaviors that affirm spirituality. If a dad believes in God, then time should be spent with his children communicating about issues that are related to God. Dads need to offer advice and knowledge to successfully guide their children spiritually.