MichDads Blog

Category: Discipline

Reward kids for good stuff to ward off disobedience

My friend, Mary, faced a common parenting problem. Her 5-year-old daughter, Sue, was frequently disobedient. Sue routinely refused simple requests to come to dinner or put on her pajamas. Mary knew she had to do something about her daughter's behavior.

After conferring with a counselor, Mary made a chart. Each time her daughter obeyed, Mary put a star on the chart. A day of stars got traded in for things like baking cookies with Mom or a ride on the lawnmower with Dad. The stars she cashed in each day also got traded in at the end of the month for a new Barbie doll.

Did it work? You bet. The reward system for obedience drew the daughter out of a disobedient rut with lasting results. It's been more than 10 years and Mary reports that ever since then her daughter has been much more obedient.

The key to this approach is to reward the behavior you want to improve. If Johnny keeps a messy room, reward him for cleaning it. If Katie leaves her homework at school, reward her for bringing it home. If Pat is late for school every morning, guess who gets a reward for being on time?

This is an unfamiliar strategy to some parents who think the only way to change a child's behavior is to punish. But in addition to punishments, such as giving timeouts and taking away privileges, it is also imperative to reward good behavior. In fact, rewards are just as important as punishments.

To understand why the positive side of parenting is important, consider an analogy. To rid your lawn of weeds, you need more than weed killer. You also need fertilizer to nourish and strengthen the grass. When the grass flourishes, it leaves less room for weeds to sprout. Similarly, parents who encourage positive behavior by rewarding it, soon find they are dealing with less negative behavior from their child.

Spring will soon be here. It's a time when many of us apply fertilizer to spruce up our lawns. Let's also consider sprucing up our kids' behavior by rewarding their positive actions.

Category: Work-family balance

Mommy goes back to work - how can I help?

Last week was a time of transition for our family as my wife went back to work after three months of maternity leave. I'm happy to report the children, plants and I survived.

We are lucky to have family nearby willing to care for our children while we're at work. Grandparents watch Emmett and Anabelle during the week and I get them on Saturdays for Daddy day. I can't overstate what a wonderful arrangement this is. My wife and I can go to work without any worries about the care of our children. And our children are developing relationships with their grandparents that are meaningful and enduring.

However, as ideal as our situation is, there is still an adjustment period for all of us. For the past three months, we've become accustomed to having Mommy around all the time. Three months may not seem like a long time, but it's certainly long enough to fall into a routine. Just ask my 3-month-old daughter who is used to being cared for by Mommy almost exclusively, or Emmett who is making good progress with his potty training, mostly under his mother's watchful eye.

Still, the toughest adjustment is for my wife. She works for wonderful people and enjoys her job for the most part, but nothing can compare to the joy she finds in raising our children. She admits the adult interaction is nice and it is only her first week back, but there's no denying it hurts her to be apart from her children.

Aside from an occasional timing inconvenience and caring for two kids instead of one on Saturdays, my wife's return to work affects me the least.

While the transition is certainly challenging for the whole family, it's most difficult on my wife. I try to be as helpful as possible, but what else can I do to be supportive? Any suggestions?

Category: Life lessons

Kids learn to apologize through example

I'm sorry.

Two little words that are often so difficult to say. Children struggle with the idea of apologizing. I believe it's because they see things in such an uncompromising way they can't fathom that they're wrong.

Often when a child does something wrong, parents require an apology as part of the process of resolving the problem. In my house, this is usually the difficult part for my children.

Children learn in many ways, often through the examples of others. Of course, I gave my two youngest a chance to learn to apologize through example this weekend as I had to eat a gigantic amount of crow and apologize for blaming my son for something he didn't do.

My kids love to play in the snow and I pretty much let them use any yard implement in the garage to build whatever kind of fort, hill or lawn luge track their little hearts desire. There is one caveat: anything they drag out must be put back where they found it. Not surprisingly, they've forgotten something once or twice and I've managed to catch it before a shovel was left out overnight.

This past weekend we had a family birthday party and all the cousins were over. It was warm, so we sent all of them outside to play. Of course, they dragged all kinds of things out in the yard: shovels, pool noodles, shovels, scooters, shovels - did I mention shovels? It was a shovel that provided me with my opportunity to teach my son how to apologize.

The next day, my daughter and I were rushing out the door to her soccer practice when I spied one of my spade shovels lying on the front lawn. Needless to say, I was angry because my children had been warned about this.

Determined to end this kind of silliness right then, I marched back into the house where I found my son in the living room ready to be disciplined. Loudly (read: not yelling, but close) and angrily I told him, "Get your shoes on and get MY shovel out of the front yard. Now!" Feeling like I had done exactly what was necessary to make my point, I spun on my heel and headed back out to the car.

Like anyone falsely accused of such a heinous crime, he proceeded to follow me outside to inform me that it wasn't our shovel. I walked over, examined the shovel and determined that while it was similar to mine, he was right: It wasn't ours. It was the neighbor's.

So I made the long walk back to where my son was and apologized. The same way I'd want him to apologize: "I'm sorry. I should have looked more closely at the shovel before I said something to you. It was wrong. I'm sorry."

My daughter later told me that she and the girl next door decided it would be fun to bury it in the snow like treasure.

I should disclose something: I do not like to apologize. Ever.

However, I do appreciate the value and importance of a good apology. More so now than ever. So I do it. I can only hope that my children understand this, too.

Category: Entertainment

What I download says a lot about me

Like many of us, I've been caught singing along to some "guilty pleasure" song in the car. Usually I never see that person again and I can motor along with no emotional scarring.

Most of the time that song (i.e. Sheena Easton's "Morning Train" or something like that) popped onto the radio and then moved along, never to be tracked down again as something I know some of the words to ... or all of the words. Yes, it's true: I have some of the worst taste in music.

However, now that I have an MP3 player, I can download all of my vapid, shallow '80s music and enjoy it all at my convenience. It's very, very convenient, but now that's on my MP3 player, it's documented. I can no longer escape my past.

I graduated from high school in 1987, and one could argue that four years between 1983 and 1987 was the height of deep-as-a-puddle, throw-away type of music. Think back ... aHa, Loverboy, Duran Duran, the Hooters, Glass Tiger and other one- or two-hit wonders dominated the airwaves. Now they live on when I drive around in my Ford Focus daily.

I really thought we'd never see an era of music like that again: disposable, simple and, well, marginal. I was wrong. And now because I have children, I have this stuff on my MP3 player, too.

Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, Alvin & The Chipmunks, Taylor Swift (OK, that one's a little bit much for me, too), Demi Lovato and something called Aly & AJ, which I believe is two sisters are dominating my children's musical consciousness thanks to Disney and its ability to roll out every one of its television stars as singers.

It's bad enough that friends have seen these listings on my MP3 player and giggle, but it's worse than that. If I'm not paying attention, I find myself singing about landing in L.A., and partying in the USA!

I guess I shouldn't complain too much. At least we're past the point of suffering through Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It" courtesy of Guitar Hero.

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Category: Potty training

Do diapers help or hurt managing No. 2?

Fair warning: If you feel potty humor is inappropriate this post may not be for you.

My wife and I are working hard toward potty training our son, Emmett. Initially, he was gung-ho about going potty "just like Daddy." Then our daughter was born and our commitment waned a bit, as did Emmett's progress. Thankfully, it didn't take long for us to redouble our efforts and Emmett has responded well.

Except for the whole "No. 2" thing.

He spends the majority of his time without a diaper and I can count the number of accidents on one hand. But for better or worse, we put him in a diaper for naptime and bedtime and he's been using that time to, um, do his business. Luckily, the pattern has been mostly predictable and the collateral damage minimal.

However, there was one diaper-less accident that won't soon be forgotten. Emmett seems to prefer privacy when doing his business. So he seized his opportunity while my wife and I were in the other room changing our daughter's diaper. We heard Emmett's unmistakable labor and I went running, but it was too late. He was already (awkwardly) walking toward the bathroom and calmly said, "Daddy, I pooped my pants," when he saw me. I had many responses in mind, but I was too stunned to speak. I simultaneously smiled and rolled my eyes at my wife and didn't notice Emmett shaking his leg. When I did, I immediately asked him what he was doing. "It's stuck," he told me, shaking his leg even harder as if a small animal had clamped on to his ankle and refused to let go. Before I could respond, he shook harder and deposited the fruits of his labor onto our hallway rug.

"Daddy, I pooped on the rug," he tells me.

There was nothing left for my wife and I to do except laugh uproariously. And bathe our son.

My feeling is that Emmett won't make sustainable progress until we completely remove diapers from the equation. The diapers are his safe outlet and as long as he knows he'll wear one eventually, he won't learn the toilet is the only place to do his business.

Do you agree? Please pass along any potty-training tips that have worked for you. My floors and I thank you in advance.

Category: Health

It's a bitter pill, but son learned to take it

If you're an involved parent -- and let's assume you are -- you've had to give a child medicine. Yesterday I had to do that with my son, Brendan.

Fortunately, he's not terribly ill. He's fighting a cough and some minor cold symptoms, but the cough is the primary problem.

He's 10 and generally has no problem swallowing caplets so that's what I wanted to give him. He rarely gives me or his mother a hard time about taking medicine - until yesterday. When I told him it was time to take the medicine, he said, "NO!"

First of all, I don't respond well to my children telling me "No" when I ask them to do something, even if it's in jest. I think it's terribly disrespectful. Second, I was taken aback by the ferocity with which he said it. I repeated the request, which resulted in a stream of panic-laden refusals to take the medicine, including a threat to move out of the house if he had to take it.

After letting him know it was inappropriate for a 10-year-old boy to act like a hormonally charged, overly dramatic 14-year-old girl, he finally told me what the problem was: the caplet was difficult for him to swallow.

"It sticks on my tongue!" he complained.

I've seen him take caplets this size before, but realized it is a digestible plastic with liquid inside. So I said, "No problem. I'll poke a big hole in it and you can suck the medicine out. Just chew on it a bit so the liquid comes out."

Now pacified, he agreed to do it. I poked a good-sized hole in it and he happily popped it into his mouth thinking he'd avoided the worst. Have you ever watched someone eat something really spicy and seen the horror that comes over their face when they realize how hot the food is? Well, that's what happened to my son. It was impossible to contain my laughter as he quickly grabbed a glass of water and swallowed the caplet whole without any problem.

"That medicine tastes gross! It's nasty!" he exclaimed.

Mission accomplished.

Needless to say, he swallowed the same pill this morning without any problem.

Category: Holidays

Idea of shared birthday party makes me squeamish

Two of my three children have birthdays in the first quarter of the year. In fact, Brendan's and Torrie's birthdays are about five weeks apart.

Despite the fact the birthdays are so close, Mrs. Strong and I have always avoided the urge to merge the birthday parties until this year.

I was a little uncomfortable about it.

We have kept the family parties separate, but merged the parties with their friends. After rounds of make-it-yourself pizza and an ice cream sundae bar, we took nine kids ranging in age from 6-10 years old ice skating at a nearby indoor rink.

My wife and I know how to skate. Most of the kids knew how to skate on some level and ultimately we were left with just one girl who needed her hand held. Ultimately, she was able to skate on her own as long as she had a hand on the wall.

The four hours we allotted for the party passed, rental skates were returned, gift bags were handed out and we headed for home. I'd say everyone had a good time.

However, I'm left wondering if my kids are happy they had to share their birthday celebration. They seemed fine with it. The boys ran around the house and shot each other with Nerf guns when they weren't making or eating their food. The girls sat around and talked and played spoons when the boys were in the kitchen.

Brendan and Torrie said they had fun, but I don't know how happy I'd be about it. Perhaps since we split up part of their birthday, they're willing to live with the other half being a joint party. However, Mrs. Strong and I know someone who consistently pushes their children's birthdays together and it just rubs me the wrong way. I do see the logic behind it, but I just don't think birthday parties for kids should be powered by logic so when I see it, I'm irked by it.

Because "logic" played a big role in our decision, too, I guess I'm feeling a little guilty. So I'm looking for some opinions here: Is it all right to merge your children's birthday celebratiosn. If so, what are the rules?

Category: Roles of fathers

Dads changing roles in parenting reap benefits for kids

I've been privileged to speak in a number of different forums on the benefits of shared parenting. The venues have been widely diverse and while that can make for a lot of differing opinions one thing everyone seems to agree on is that our generation of dads is not our father's generation of parenting. I'm further struck how an older generation of parents, mine included, is intrigued by that fact yet challenged in willingness to think outside the box of what they've been taught about a dad's role in parenting and fully embrace the hands-on approach that is definitely today's trend.

In the more traditional perspective, moms parenting is historically perceived to be kinder, gentler, more concerned with the basic duties like bathing, feeding and generally nurturing their children. Dads, on the other hand, have been historically viewed as primary financial supports whose focus in parenting is more specific to providing guidance, discipline and recreational activity. These views laid the ground work for the premise that children depend more on their moms for their day-to-day needs and look to their dads for guidance and support in activities and life transitions.

A growing number have argued the problem with this premise is that it's been rigidly defined to the point that it became a cultural norm to treat the roles of fathers in parenting as something of secondary importance. Further damaging are beliefs that without the daily guidance of a child's mom, dads are incompetent to assume primary roles in parenting.

Trends are changing, but in cases of divorce, it's this sort of gender bias thinking that is still far too often applied in rationalizing awards of primary parenting roles to moms and disenfranchising every other weekend visitations to dads.

While many of yesteryears' experts prescribed to such parenting arrangements, few in more recent years still do. What we understand today is that dads bring something equally important to the development of children. Although our parenting styles often differ from moms, dads are just as capable to assume primary elements of parenting. With parents' roles becoming more balanced in our society, both parents working outside the home and equally assuming primary roles in parenting, we're actually seeing this played out as dads prove to be more than capable in providing exceptional primary care of their children at every age, including infancy.

Press on men, the times they are a changing - and kids are reaping the benefits.

Category: Family

How early is intuition developed?

I'm reading a good "business" book that encourages employees to become indispensable to their employers. It gives suggestions on how to accomplish this and I'm enjoying it so far. So what does this have to do with being a dad?

This past weekend, I watched my young son interact with two uncles who he sees only a handful of times each year. His affinity for them is undeniable and perhaps slightly surprising. Is he already able to sense who are the important people around him?

Sure, he knows his parents and grandparents and some aunts and uncles, but they're nearby (thankfully). These uncles are different; they live too far away to spend extended time with us (unfortunately). Yet my son clearly adores them.

As I reflected on this and thought about the book I've been reading, I started to wonder if the traits that make someone indispensable are so evident that even young children can detect them. Does my son really understand these uncles are important to our family or is he just excited and happy to play with some fun-loving guys?

The answer is probably not that simple. However, I'm increasingly amazed and impressed with the intelligence and intuitiveness demonstrated by my son and young children in general. They understand so much so early in life. It seems possible they could identify the linchpins of their family, even with limited exposure to them. Is that instinct or something else? What do you think?

I'll let you know how the book turns out, but I'm starting to think my son may already have insight to the wisdom I seek. Unfortunately, getting him to articulate it could be a challenge.

Category: Sports

Olympic-size lesson on women's sports

Few things command attention like the Olympics, especially the winter games this year in Vancouver.

My son and I are taking in quite a bit of the events on a nightly basis. He gets to stay up late and watch a bit because he and his sister are off school this week for mid-winter break. He loves the snowboarding events, but has also developed an odd affinity for curling.

Perhaps it's just as important, in my eyes, what he hasn't developed: a bias against women's sports.

As a man who has coached women's and girls' soccer teams for more than a decade and played coed soccer for the last 15 years, I'd hoped my feelings and attitudes about women's sports would rub off on him. Apparently they have.

He was transfixed equally by U.S. snowboarders Shaun White and Hannah Teter. White took the gold medal in the men's halfpipe, while Teter took silver in the women's event.

I'm not going to dissect the differences between men's and women's sports at the highest levels. Those issues are well documented. The point is that he appreciates each equally. Just as importantly, I didn't have to tell him to feel that way, he just did. He's 10 years old and still going to be exposed to a lot of women in sports. I just hope he continues to appreciate them the way he does now.